Lost

Ive lost it all. Every sense of who I was, everything that made me happy... All of it, gone. I don't know what I want anymore. I didn't know I could be this confused; So far away from my own mind. I forgot what it feels like to love someone of something so wholeheartedly that I could find who I was. Now, I'm just wandering. I'm that girl who Judt can't be pleased. I didn't used to be like this. At one point, I found myself. I loved with all I had in me and never wanted to let that go. When I lost that, I lost myself. I would give everything up to just have one more day feeling that love. When He loved me and never wanted to let me go. When I was all he thought about, besides God. I know I was put aside for Heavenly Father's work. It's hard to say sometimes but I know it was the right choice. I wish things could be how they were. I wish he would write to me and at least tell me how he was doing. I don't see how someone can just fall out of love on an instant. I need it all back. That was my comfort zone. That was my happiness. That was supposed to be my happily ever after. All of this is in God's hands now. Until he choses.. I'll remain lost.

Changes

I don't like who I've become. I don't know this girl. This person doesn't know how to love, isn't open to new opportunities and who's standards have dropped. She used to love someone, with everything she had. Her heart and soul new it was right. She had never experienced such feelings in her life, to be completed by someone. Then it all changed. Now she's a tired lonely girl, still afraid to love and live again. Just waiting, waiting on that one chance to prove she is better than before and win back her prince. Will that chance ever come? No, but the hope will forever live in her heart. This girl is desperately begging and pleading to get her happy back. She is something different and its not always good. Please lord. Im begging for help.

Held up

I should be the happiest girl alive. I should love with no fear. But am I? No, I'm held up on an ex I just can't get over. I want a letter from Brazil more than anything. If it means dropping every guy here, I want him. I'm just torn. All I can do is pray.

My prince

I've finally got what I've wanted since middle school. It's been 6 years and my feelings for this guy have not subsided. All this time he's liked someone else. Finally he admitted his feelings for me. We've sorta half tried but before he and I were both distracted by other people. So now we are giving it a second shot. He makes me feel great. I want this to work out so much more than I ever have. I'm willing to give up all of my faults to ensure our happiness together. When I'm with him I just want him to hold me and protect me. I suddenly become a damsel in distress. He's very athletic, intelligent and has a good head on his shoulders. I can't be more thankful for this chance. I have my prince

What used to be

It's awful how someone you used to care so much about and who cared the same about you can just change so quickly. I have a guy in my school who I've had a crush on since we were 12. He and I finally became good friends last year, my junior year. We could just hang out and have fun together. Eventually we both realized we cared more for each other than to just be friends. We wanted more. So we gave it a shot. I really did care a lot about him until something suddenly changed. The two of us together had too many complications and we decided to end it. After that I just couldn't see him the same. We went a large part of the summer not talking to each other or seeing each other that much. Now that school has started I have a class with him. We don't speak, look at or even acknowledge one another's existence. And throughout that entire class I just think about all the things we talked about. I remember when he told me he liked me and the sweet messages he'd leave. I do miss it. Every bit of it. He was someone I thought I would always have around, just in case I ever needed him. Now he's just somebody I used to know.

Lately I've really been missing the west coast. Arizona to be exact. Sometimes I pretend in the morning that I'm back there, in the chilly morning air just waiting for the sun to fully shine. I miss being able to see for miles in front of me with no trees blocking my view. I feel trapped and not as open. I miss the light fresh air in Arizona. I miss the mountains and dirt. Every time I go back I feel so happy and at peace being at home. Of course if I left I would miss this beautiful country side but its just not my home. I need a visit asap

The mark of today

Today, August 18th marks the ONE YEAR I've been single. It's weird, knowing that this day last year I was crying my eyes out. I made it one year without dating anyone else because, no matter how much I deny it or lie to myself, I still love him. I don't know why and I can't help it. If I could, id be over it. Done. Moved on. But its not that simple. Feelings are involved. True feelings. My life changed because of him and I can't just forget about it. I cant forget about how he made me feel or the confidence he gave me. I love him regardless of the pain he caused me. I know he's probably moved on. Done thinking about me. He doesn't love me anymore and that's a hard thing to come by. But EVERYTIME I hear his name, smell his cologne, see a truck like his, or see a cute couple, I think of him. I remember every good feeling. Never the bad. We watched the sunrise together one morning at the lake and it was then, that moment while he held my hands and looked into my eyes that I loved him with everything I had. The fact that that all ended mindbottles me. I know I can't make him love me again or even care but I just wish things were easier.