What used to be

It's awful how someone you used to care so much about and who cared the same about you can just change so quickly. I have a guy in my school who I've had a crush on since we were 12. He and I finally became good friends last year, my junior year. We could just hang out and have fun together. Eventually we both realized we cared more for each other than to just be friends. We wanted more. So we gave it a shot. I really did care a lot about him until something suddenly changed. The two of us together had too many complications and we decided to end it. After that I just couldn't see him the same. We went a large part of the summer not talking to each other or seeing each other that much. Now that school has started I have a class with him. We don't speak, look at or even acknowledge one another's existence. And throughout that entire class I just think about all the things we talked about. I remember when he told me he liked me and the sweet messages he'd leave. I do miss it. Every bit of it. He was someone I thought I would always have around, just in case I ever needed him. Now he's just somebody I used to know.

Lately I've really been missing the west coast. Arizona to be exact. Sometimes I pretend in the morning that I'm back there, in the chilly morning air just waiting for the sun to fully shine. I miss being able to see for miles in front of me with no trees blocking my view. I feel trapped and not as open. I miss the light fresh air in Arizona. I miss the mountains and dirt. Every time I go back I feel so happy and at peace being at home. Of course if I left I would miss this beautiful country side but its just not my home. I need a visit asap

The mark of today

Today, August 18th marks the ONE YEAR I've been single. It's weird, knowing that this day last year I was crying my eyes out. I made it one year without dating anyone else because, no matter how much I deny it or lie to myself, I still love him. I don't know why and I can't help it. If I could, id be over it. Done. Moved on. But its not that simple. Feelings are involved. True feelings. My life changed because of him and I can't just forget about it. I cant forget about how he made me feel or the confidence he gave me. I love him regardless of the pain he caused me. I know he's probably moved on. Done thinking about me. He doesn't love me anymore and that's a hard thing to come by. But EVERYTIME I hear his name, smell his cologne, see a truck like his, or see a cute couple, I think of him. I remember every good feeling. Never the bad. We watched the sunrise together one morning at the lake and it was then, that moment while he held my hands and looked into my eyes that I loved him with everything I had. The fact that that all ended mindbottles me. I know I can't make him love me again or even care but I just wish things were easier. 

My fairytale

Among some of my greatest aspirations, marrying in the temple is by far the most meaningful. I know my heavenly father has a plan for me. I know that right now he is preparing my husband for a wife like me. Something I've always said was "be as righteous as you want your husband to be". This makes me want to do good things. It makes me aware that my actions could possibly alter who I marry versus who I'm made for. If we follow the path set for us, righteously, we stay on the same as our eternal companion. If we stray away we may find ourselves with someone we weren't meant to be with. This has really got me thinking. I need to stay close to the gospel in order for my future husband to find me

Can't shake this feeling

<p>So my current thoughts have revolved around one person, and no, its not who you think. Have you ever had a best friend of the opposite sex? You know what its like then, people always assuming that you date him, and the usual marriage prospect. Well my absolute closest friend and I have this bond like no other. I could be with him and never get tired of his witty jokes, sarcastic humor and the way he makes me laugh. I now know for sure I have some sort of feelings for him. His mother and I have jokingly talked about this and planned some wedding arrangements. I always kid around but now something has finally clicked. I see how loving and caring he is with kids. I know he'll make an amazing dad. He's intelligent and driven so we could live comfortably. He has a strong testimony of the true restored gospel. He doesnt play around with love and I know deep down he feels something for me. The other day our ward's bishop interviewed him for a temple recommend and bishop told him he couldn't wait to see us get married in the temple.. when he told me this my heart skipped a beat. I'm not sure how to explain these feelings I have for him but I do know that he deserves to be happy. I've put a lot of thought into this and have come to realize, maybe that's why my relationships with other guys never work out? Regardless, my best friend was brought into my life for a reason. That reason is unknown to me yet, but I am beyond grateful for him and all he means to me.

What's new?

Trying to forget someone who used to mean so much to you is possibly one of hardest things in life. I mean, how do you forget the memories, the feelings, promises made? It's just too difficult sometimes. The worst is when someone brings him up and you have to hold back either grinning like a creep as a million of the best memories in life flash through your head or just try and hold back the tears. Either way, he was brought up. Moving on, once you find the right person to help you can be a bit easier. Recently, I've been talking to a new really great guy. So far he's proven to be a lot of what I look for in someone. Only time will tell but what's new with that?