Lost

Ive lost it all. Every sense of who I was, everything that made me happy... All of it, gone. I don't know what I want anymore. I didn't know I could be this confused; So far away from my own mind. I forgot what it feels like to love someone of something so wholeheartedly that I could find who I was. Now, I'm just wandering. I'm that girl who Judt can't be pleased. I didn't used to be like this. At one point, I found myself. I loved with all I had in me and never wanted to let that go. When I lost that, I lost myself. I would give everything up to just have one more day feeling that love. When He loved me and never wanted to let me go. When I was all he thought about, besides God. I know I was put aside for Heavenly Father's work. It's hard to say sometimes but I know it was the right choice. I wish things could be how they were. I wish he would write to me and at least tell me how he was doing. I don't see how someone can just fall out of love on an instant. I need it all back. That was my comfort zone. That was my happiness. That was supposed to be my happily ever after. All of this is in God's hands now. Until he choses.. I'll remain lost.

Changes

I don't like who I've become. I don't know this girl. This person doesn't know how to love, isn't open to new opportunities and who's standards have dropped. She used to love someone, with everything she had. Her heart and soul new it was right. She had never experienced such feelings in her life, to be completed by someone. Then it all changed. Now she's a tired lonely girl, still afraid to love and live again. Just waiting, waiting on that one chance to prove she is better than before and win back her prince. Will that chance ever come? No, but the hope will forever live in her heart. This girl is desperately begging and pleading to get her happy back. She is something different and its not always good. Please lord. Im begging for help.

Held up

I should be the happiest girl alive. I should love with no fear. But am I? No, I'm held up on an ex I just can't get over. I want a letter from Brazil more than anything. If it means dropping every guy here, I want him. I'm just torn. All I can do is pray.

My prince

I've finally got what I've wanted since middle school. It's been 6 years and my feelings for this guy have not subsided. All this time he's liked someone else. Finally he admitted his feelings for me. We've sorta half tried but before he and I were both distracted by other people. So now we are giving it a second shot. He makes me feel great. I want this to work out so much more than I ever have. I'm willing to give up all of my faults to ensure our happiness together. When I'm with him I just want him to hold me and protect me. I suddenly become a damsel in distress. He's very athletic, intelligent and has a good head on his shoulders. I can't be more thankful for this chance. I have my prince

What used to be

It's awful how someone you used to care so much about and who cared the same about you can just change so quickly. I have a guy in my school who I've had a crush on since we were 12. He and I finally became good friends last year, my junior year. We could just hang out and have fun together. Eventually we both realized we cared more for each other than to just be friends. We wanted more. So we gave it a shot. I really did care a lot about him until something suddenly changed. The two of us together had too many complications and we decided to end it. After that I just couldn't see him the same. We went a large part of the summer not talking to each other or seeing each other that much. Now that school has started I have a class with him. We don't speak, look at or even acknowledge one another's existence. And throughout that entire class I just think about all the things we talked about. I remember when he told me he liked me and the sweet messages he'd leave. I do miss it. Every bit of it. He was someone I thought I would always have around, just in case I ever needed him. Now he's just somebody I used to know.

Lately I've really been missing the west coast. Arizona to be exact. Sometimes I pretend in the morning that I'm back there, in the chilly morning air just waiting for the sun to fully shine. I miss being able to see for miles in front of me with no trees blocking my view. I feel trapped and not as open. I miss the light fresh air in Arizona. I miss the mountains and dirt. Every time I go back I feel so happy and at peace being at home. Of course if I left I would miss this beautiful country side but its just not my home. I need a visit asap

The mark of today

Today, August 18th marks the ONE YEAR I've been single. It's weird, knowing that this day last year I was crying my eyes out. I made it one year without dating anyone else because, no matter how much I deny it or lie to myself, I still love him. I don't know why and I can't help it. If I could, id be over it. Done. Moved on. But its not that simple. Feelings are involved. True feelings. My life changed because of him and I can't just forget about it. I cant forget about how he made me feel or the confidence he gave me. I love him regardless of the pain he caused me. I know he's probably moved on. Done thinking about me. He doesn't love me anymore and that's a hard thing to come by. But EVERYTIME I hear his name, smell his cologne, see a truck like his, or see a cute couple, I think of him. I remember every good feeling. Never the bad. We watched the sunrise together one morning at the lake and it was then, that moment while he held my hands and looked into my eyes that I loved him with everything I had. The fact that that all ended mindbottles me. I know I can't make him love me again or even care but I just wish things were easier. 

My fairytale

Among some of my greatest aspirations, marrying in the temple is by far the most meaningful. I know my heavenly father has a plan for me. I know that right now he is preparing my husband for a wife like me. Something I've always said was "be as righteous as you want your husband to be". This makes me want to do good things. It makes me aware that my actions could possibly alter who I marry versus who I'm made for. If we follow the path set for us, righteously, we stay on the same as our eternal companion. If we stray away we may find ourselves with someone we weren't meant to be with. This has really got me thinking. I need to stay close to the gospel in order for my future husband to find me

Can't shake this feeling

<p>So my current thoughts have revolved around one person, and no, its not who you think. Have you ever had a best friend of the opposite sex? You know what its like then, people always assuming that you date him, and the usual marriage prospect. Well my absolute closest friend and I have this bond like no other. I could be with him and never get tired of his witty jokes, sarcastic humor and the way he makes me laugh. I now know for sure I have some sort of feelings for him. His mother and I have jokingly talked about this and planned some wedding arrangements. I always kid around but now something has finally clicked. I see how loving and caring he is with kids. I know he'll make an amazing dad. He's intelligent and driven so we could live comfortably. He has a strong testimony of the true restored gospel. He doesnt play around with love and I know deep down he feels something for me. The other day our ward's bishop interviewed him for a temple recommend and bishop told him he couldn't wait to see us get married in the temple.. when he told me this my heart skipped a beat. I'm not sure how to explain these feelings I have for him but I do know that he deserves to be happy. I've put a lot of thought into this and have come to realize, maybe that's why my relationships with other guys never work out? Regardless, my best friend was brought into my life for a reason. That reason is unknown to me yet, but I am beyond grateful for him and all he means to me.

What's new?

Trying to forget someone who used to mean so much to you is possibly one of hardest things in life. I mean, how do you forget the memories, the feelings, promises made? It's just too difficult sometimes. The worst is when someone brings him up and you have to hold back either grinning like a creep as a million of the best memories in life flash through your head or just try and hold back the tears. Either way, he was brought up. Moving on, once you find the right person to help you can be a bit easier. Recently, I've been talking to a new really great guy. So far he's proven to be a lot of what I look for in someone. Only time will tell but what's new with that?

Getting passed the past

Sometimes I find myself still bragging on my ex. I'm not sure how I end up in these conversations but for some reason I just don't want to let go the fact I dated a hot ticket item. All the girls wanted him, he got the two highest senior superlatives at his school and was a hotshot football player. Yes, this was my man. WAS is not the easiest part to say. I still find it silly how when I meet new people from his school and they recognize me and ask if I knew him. My usual response is to immediately tell them we dated but I'm going to try something new, this is what I'll say "oh, um I used to. We're now just strangers with memories". That seems to make me sound like I've moved on...even when it hurts to say. But honestly, we are just strangers with memories. I've learned that if Heavenly Father wanted us to be together and learn from each other then we would be. Somehow I still feel connected. Maybe he is? I'll never know because he doesn't even really talk to me anymore. I haven't decided what to do or if I should even responde if he does try. At this point I'm so through caring for some guy who doesn't care about me anymore. I'm honestly debating on whether I should go to his mission fairwell party...if I'm even invited. I think it would be super awkward and I'm not sure if I want to even say goodbye to him. These are really big decisions and I'm just putting this in the Lord's hands now. Now I just need to get passed everything that's holding me back.

Knowing the Feeling

Recently, I've been able to open up a little more. Give a guy a try. So I've had my eye on one in particular. He's a sweetheart, gentleman, and very respectful. But I had always felt old feelings were holding me back, so today I put in such an effort to break down those walls I've built up. He and I spent the entire day at the lake and I was able to see how we really interact together without any distractions. It went so much better than I could have hoped! It's such a relief to feel that connection with someone again. He definitely has potential and if I keep trying to fix myself like I am, I think I may give him a full chance. I'm so thankful for being able to have this chance to meet a good guy and be happy like I used to. It's not a secret that I have an abundance of guy friends but I never really look at them as anything more. I'm always on the search for someone who will respect my self worth and acknowledge that I am a daughter of God, and should be treated accordingly. Now, I'm actually ready to get back in the game and let myself learn to love again. I know the feeling of letting go. I know the feeling when I'm ready to not care about my past anymore. And that feeling is happening now!

Something New

Now, I've never been one to publicly share my innermost thoughts and feelings but I'm hoping by sharing this now my mind will get a rest. I am constantly thinking about the past; letting it burden my thoughts and mind. I know I need to move on from certain things but sometimes I feel like I can't just "let it go". I wish it were that easy. My biggest problem is just letting go of someone I once loved so much. He left away to college last fall and it ended quite awkwardly. He wrote me a letter...in the mail. My heart was broken. Not because of the breakup, but more so over how he went about ending it. I thought I meant more than a one page letter. Clearly he didn't feel the same of my worth. Anywho, I never let that go. The pain afterwards left me unable to really love anyone again. I don't give guys chances because I'm afraid they'll hurt me, I don't let myself feel that same love. That's my problem...I won't let anyone try. So this summer, I'm ready to move along. I need the time to really focus on finding those feelings again with someone. I'm ready. Here I go!